Do you choose what you believe in?

[Questioner]

Hello, I'm not here to fight or debate but would appreciate any reference material that anyone could recommend on the subject. I am also NOT looking for prayer or pity or anything of the sort.

I wasn't sure exactly how to title this post... but this the best I can come up with.

Do you choose what you believe in, or is it something out of your control? Do you choose to like ice cream? Will reading about ice cream make you more likely or less likely to like ice cream... or is it just a part of you that you cannot control that determines whether you like ice cream.......... (fyi - this analogy is for those who's response to my post will be that I need to read my Bible or pray, which I can go through the motions of but my heart really isn't in it... which of course will mean I should just pray even harder and read my bible even more, etc. ad infinitium)...

The reason I ask is - I believe I am becoming an atheist or agnostic... not by choice, I don't believe that you actually "choose" to believe in something...... you either do believe things or you don't, and nothing short of an epiphany or paradigm shift can change that. I have questioned things my entire life, even as a child... even in Sunday School.

Religion (of any sort) seems more far-fetched the older I get. I realize that most people become MORE religious and/or spiritual as they get older, but for some reason the reverse is happening to me (I am approaching 40 if it matters).

I was raised in a UPC home, have several generations of Apostolic heritage and the majority of my relatives are UPC. I have been baptized (in Jesus name) and have spoken in tongues.

I assume that this makes me an apostate or reprobate or something of the sort. I always thought that the truth... my heritage... could stand up to questioning, however it seems to have backfired in my case.

Admin - would appreciate if you could keep my identity private (I am making some attempt to conceal it so as not to hurt family and friends, but have not covered my tracks as far as my IP address). I will also be choosing my words carefully so that people cannot figure out who I am.

All I am looking for are any books that may assist me with this subject... I would be looking for things that approach God on a logical level and not on an emotional level, if that makes any sense... and it needs to be several steps above the Kirk Cameron type videos...

I won't engage in any debate, and will try to ignore any emotional scare tactics that will surely follow my posting this.

Thank you for your time... I consider some of you my friends and find it really hard to write this, but have been meaning to do something like this for some time. I am also interested in knowing if anyone else has been through this, or knows anyone who has similar feelings and tries to hide them from friends and family so as not to upset them.