Quote:
Originally Posted by My Own Eyes
I don't think that figuring him out is even conceivable. As for finding him....It's sometimes hard to tell if its that I found a counterfit or if he really is all the bad things that I think.
On a "good" day, a hopeful day, I will believe that I must have had a twisted and distorted image of him, and a pseudo-relationship that was built on a false foundation.
On a "bad" day, a pessimistic day, I will believe that he is not to be trusted, capricious, and callous, and wants nothing more than to make us all suffer.
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I'm confused. If you "find Him", then how are you finding anything bad to think? It sounds like you are pursuing ideas and evidence of Him and His "doings" (e.g., things you might see Him as being responsible for) rather than seeking Him, and spending time in His presence, talking to Him.
I don't look around at a sinful world and all the sickness and pain that humanity has brought upon itself to find God. I go into a quiet place away from all that to find Him. David said that he "looked to the hills." My Dad used to preach about "Don't look at people", because people will always let you down, but if you look a couple of inches above their heads you will find a God who never fails.
I know that you (probably) feel that God has failed you. But I think you are looking in the wrong places. It seems like (from your posts) that you are still gathering "evidence"
about God instead of pursuing God directly. The only way to truly get to know God is to have personal encounters with Him. He doesn't deal with every person the same, because He knows the inner workings of our heart, and knows what we need, what we don't need, our motives, our intents.
But...I suppose any pursuit is better than none.
I think that one day you are going to be a great Christian. You're still struggling to get out of the cocoon, but the struggle is good for you.
Jeffrey had to go back to the doctor last week (he has been sick off and on since December 1, and has missed four weeks of school). She wanted to know what had changed, and I had no idea, so she asked me if he had started Pre-K this year. I said, "Yes", and she replied, "That is what has changed then. He's being exposed to viruses and his immune system isn't strong enough to fight it off." To which I nearly suggested that I would just keep him home and homeschool him--I'm so tired of seeing my baby sick! But then she went on with, "He needs to be exposed so that his body can build up immunities."
I think that when our spirits are weak, as converse as it may seem, we need to be "exposed" to hardship or trials or difficulties so that when we struggle to recover, we gain strength. Sometimes it may be little by little, lesson by lesson, a, b, c. Sometimes we need things to happen to reveal our own doubts and misplaced trust, and then God helps us rebuild those things, over time.
I don't know how its happening with you, but I think you are still IN God's process, whether you think you are or not.
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