Thanks to brother Benincasa I saved approx. 40 bux. I went to the local general purpose surplus store (they have everything from tools, hardware, military surplus, everything but the kitchen sink, although they have all the parts to repair a kitchen sink), got a carb rebuild kit pieced together by the guy there and spent about ten bux total.
The original problem? Garbage ethanol fuel. Drained the old fuel and it smelled like varnish and cat poop mixed with some old gas. Fumes, what's that? Stuff had no vapors, probably not even flammable anymore.
Too bad I just recently broke the starter cord. Praise the Lord my zero turn is working though.