I Have AIDS

[chosenbyone]

I want to write this last post her on AFF to clarify my objective when I started this thread. My only desire was to relay the need of ministers, apostolic holy ghost filled ministers to help those dying with AIDS. I no longer can do what my heart would want me to do. Yes, I am paying the cost of sin. I never thought that I would have AIDS. I never feared getting the disease all those years while ministering. It is a product of my sin and what I deserve.

I would have never started this thread if I thought people would feel deceived and manipulated. It never was my intention to cause anyone to have to relive an experience of being hurt or mislead. Dan was very perceptive when he wrote about maybe the reason I started such a thread was that no one responded to the one I posted earlier. The one thread that I wanted to make a difference. I was foolish in starting this one. I should have had more faith and not acted from my emotions.

I want to make this very clear, I wasn't here to promote homosexuality or draw others into a lifestyle that brings death. I would not offer or even attempt to justify what I wrote in November of last year. I couldn't explain to you why I wrote what I did that day. In all honestly, it was something I forgot about. I had been abusing my medication and I was in a really bad place; that could never excuse what I wrote that night. After reading it last night, I started to really look at my heart and ask God to show me if there was anything in my that wasn't of him...something hidden. I realized that I have harbored resentment to people in the church, even though I thought I forgave many. The reality is that I am in need of forgiveness. I am so sorry if by writing what I did would cause someone to lose faith. I'm sorry that I would cast any doubt that there are people in the church that would love someone with AIDS. You people have shown me that very clearly. I am thankful that what I wrote last November was posted last night for I was able to see how ungodly I was to write such things. I am so ashamed.

I do not endorse, approve or condone any homosexual relationships. I don't believe anyone would ever find peace and happiness as a homosexual even if they were in a monogamous relationship. I've seen the evilness and the destruction of that lifestyle and I trust God that many would be delivered and not die in their sins.

I struggled most of my life with this and I all I wanted was to be normal. I have not been in a gay relationship or have felt anything that would ever compare to the love of God. I did give in to that sin and was the most miserable man. Once you've known the love of God there is nothing that could even come close in comparison.

I have lived a life of celibacy before my fall and afterward. I threw myself back into hospice ministry to try and erase all the ugliness and sinful things I had put myself in. I was rebellious and so wrong for hurting Jesus by walking away from him who gave so much to me.

I do want to make clear that I never deceived Pastor Kilgore about my personal struggle. Under his leadership and his daughter Jan's counseling I had more peace than any other time in my life. My deceit of my pastor and others began by my desire to be a minister in the UPC. Brother Kilgore encouraged me to follow my desire without knowing about my previous marriage. He gave his blessing for me to marry a wonderful girl who was my best friend. She loved me knowing everything about me. I was selfish to withhold from her one thing and that was my ex-wife.

When everything started to unravel it happened so fast and I failed so many people. I still get emotional thinking about what I've done and the only comfort I find is knowing the my ex-fiancé is happy and has two children and Brother Kilgore still loves me.

The reason I don't go to church is because of my vanity. I'm ashamed of what people think of me. It is my shame that people would look at me and see my sickness.

I don't know what else to say to you here on AFF. I hope I've cleared up everything and I hope your forgive me. I have not checked any of the email that was sent by many of you. I've just been trying to get a grip and to seek God. He is the only peace that I have and I don't want to ever loose him.

This experience has been very hard but I know there was a purpose for it all. I had to see that I still had sin in my life. Thank you all for your prayers. Just please remember that not all people with AIDS are bad people. I felt that all that I tried to bring into focus has been lost by my foolishness.

You are all very good people. I need to put away this computer and seek the Lord. I love you all of you very much.