Joke Thread

[BoredOutOfMyMind]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees
home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked," Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked," Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again
the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child. "Is there anyone there
besides you?" the boss asked the child.

"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman". Wondering what a cop would be
doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the
policeman"?

"No, he's busy", whispered the child." Busy doing
what?, asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman",
came the whispered answer.


Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is
that noise?"

"A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on
there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just
landed the hello-copper"I Love Ya Man

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:


"They're looking for me"

[jwharv]

While vacationing in Alaska, I couldn't help but notice all the warnings about bears posted in campgrounds, visitor centers and rest areas advising people not to feed the bears, how to avoid bears, what to do if a bear sees you, what to do if a bear attacks, and so on.

My favorite, however, was a hand-lettered sign on the door of a small gas station in a remote area. It said: "Warning! If you are being chased by a bear, don't come in here!"

[jwharv]

The theme of the children's story was centered around the thought that everyone, no matter how small, is important to Jesus. I assured them that no matter what they chose to be, Jesus needed them to work for others.

Beginning at the end of the row, I asked each to tell me what they wanted to be when they grew up. Down the line it went - "firefighter, doctor, housewife, pastor" - with many repeats. About halfway down the row the very first hand went back up. Going back to him, I asked, "Have you changed your mind?"

His reply brought the house down. "No," he answered, "I need a second choice in case I get fired."

[rgcraig]

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
~~~
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
~~~
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
~~~
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
~~~
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
~~~
If the world were a logical place, men would be the ones who ride horses
sidesaddle.
~~~
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
~~~
They told me I was gullible and I believed them.
~~~
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
~~~
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
~~~
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
~~~
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
~~~
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
~~~
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
~~~
How can there be self-help "groups"?
~~~
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
~~~
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
~~~
Is it me--or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

[jwharv]

Descriptions of mismatched Couples

1. He's a chiropractor,
She's a pain in the neck.

2. He's a funny old goat,
She's a great kidder.

3. He doesn't have a dollar,
She has no sense.

4. He sells balloons for a living,
She's full of hot air.

5. He's bow-legged,
She's as straight as an arrow.

6. She's a math teacher,
He's a guy with a lot of problems.

7. He's an astronaut,
She's a space cadet.

[jwharv]

My friend's husband is always telling her that housekeeping would be
a snap if only she would organize her time better. Recently he had a
chance to put his theory into practice while his wife was away.

When I popped in one evening to see how he was managing, he crowed,
"I made a cake, frosted it, washed the kitchen windows, cleaned all
the cupboards, scrubbed the kitchen floor, walls and ceiling and
even had a bath."

I was about to concede that perhaps he was a better manager than his
wife, when he added sheepishly, "When I was making the chocolate
frosting, I forgot to turn off the mixer before taking the beaters
out of the bowl, so I had to do all the rest."

[jwharv]

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been
as sharp as this policeman.

He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a
felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's
credibility....

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you
have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for
your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a
room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court
complex, and SOMETIMES LAWYERS HAVE BEEN KNOWN TO WALK THROUGH
THAT ROOM!"

[jwharv]

THEME SONGS FOR BIBLE CHARACTERS

* Noah: "Raindrops Keep Falling on My Head"
* Adam and Eve: "Strangers in Paradise"
* Lazarus: "The Second Time Around"
* Esther: "I Feel Pretty"
* Job: "I've Got a Right to Sing the Blues"
* Moses: "The Wanderer"
* Jezebel: "The Lady is a Tramp"
* Samson: "Hair"
* Salome: "I Could Have Danced All Night"
* Daniel: "The Lion Sleeps Tonight"
* Joshua: "Good Vibrations"
* Peter: "I'm Sorry"
* Esau: "Born To Be Wild"
* Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego: "Great Balls of Fire!"
* The Three Kings: "When You Wish Upon a Star"
* Jonah: "Got a Whale of a Tale"
* Elijah: "Up, Up, and Away"
* Methuselah: "Stayin' Alive"
* Nebuchadnezzar: "Crazy"

[jwharv]

THE BROKEN BONE

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician. "Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked. "Yes," the girl replied. "Did it hurt?" "No." "Really? Which bone did you break?" "My sister's arm."

[jwharv]

THE ANNIVERSARY

At the banquet of Tom and Susan's 25th wedding anniversary, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. "Tell us, Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?" Tom responded, "Well, I've learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, forbearance, meekness, self-restraint, forgiveness -- and a great many other qualities you wouldn't have needed if you'd stayed single."