Dire Prophecies and Good Intentions: 6 Years Later

[Dichotomy Girl]

Originally Posted by ILG

Mich, you and I have traveled very similar paths in this....for me, it has been best to just leave it all. We haven't attended church regularly for a couple of years and, contrary to what some here would say, it has been a great decision for us. I felt like God had to just kick me to get me to finally not go back. It's a story in itself, but is very contrary to what we are normally taught.



I still get PTSD sometimes but have actually been listening to some old Christian music on CD the last few weeks and actually been enjoying it. But I don't see myself stepping foot into a church anytime soon.



I see some of this quite similarly. Mostly, I find the questions not pressing and not very important. I find God to still be central in my life but I don't really care about much of this stuff anymore. It's an interesting exercise to think about it but I don't think about it too much.

It's good to see you around again! I've always enjoyed your writing.

Originally Posted by ILG

I can get really touchy when people (especially people in authority) start power tripping on me. It gets really hard for me to contain myself....

Originally Posted by Titus2woman

My only trigger is 'preaching'... the pulpit pounding, screaming, sweating, panting kind especially... I can not, absolutely CAN NOT abide it. About 10 seconds is enough to make me physically nauseous and while I have never pushed it to see I think a solid minute would see me vomit. I never expose myself to that kind of thing any more. I avoid churches with any chance of that preaching style, I don't listen to radio or TV preaching, never, ever, ever.

Originally Posted by ILG

Any type of power-tripping that people do against me is a major trigger for me. Since we had preachers, pastors, presbyters, a district superintendent and "saints" all doing things like falsely accusing, stalking, terrorizing through the justice system and smashing our personal stuff......I can get pretty shook up when I sense anyone doing any type of power-tripping. I get very nervous and yet look like a stone on the outside. People can never figure it out. I try very hard not to do this but am not there yet. Every day, though, I improve.

I certainly understand not being able to stand that kind of preaching.

I was kind of accidentally watching a youtube video of someone I used to know who has since become a UPC preacher, of the screaming variety. I was more amazed then anything else, as it was hard for me to see in that screaming the person I used to know.

But I am happy to say that It didn't really evoke any kind of emotional response in me. (I think I can safely say that 98% of my triggers are gone). I do find it strange though, and sometimes I end up shaking my end, it's like I have a hard time remembering that once upon a time I felt that way, or would have liked that, or later been hurt by it.

About 6 months ago, I purposely tested myself, by pulling out my binder of Christian music that had been buried in my closet for years, and intentionally listened to a CD by the Pastor's wife from my 1st church (where the bulk of the bad stuff happened), and was amazed to realize that it was just some lady singing.

I think that letting myself heal from all that, has really put me in a position where I feel free to continue my journey. But this time, I am free from fear and I don't have any preconceived notions. (actually if I'm being honest, I probably do have some preconceived notions about some of the stuff I learned in the past)

[Dichotomy Girl]

I should add though, that at this place in my journey, I have also come to see that there were some good things that came out of everything that happened.

[Dichotomy Girl]

Something that hit me last night:

http://www.apostolicfriendsforum.com...5&postcount=74

[ILG]

But I am happy to say that It didn't really evoke any kind of emotional response in me. (I think I can safely say that 98% of my triggers are gone). I do find it strange though, and sometimes I end up shaking my end, it's like I have a hard time remembering that once upon a time I felt that way, or would have liked that, or later been hurt by it.

It thrills me when a trigger that I used to have no longer works on me. I am trying to be gentle on myself because the trauma we went through was so extreme that I have to remember that healing will take a long time. I think some of it I will never get over. Some people, when they get into a car accident heal completely over time. And some, have some sort of scars and issues forever. I do believe some issues I will have forever, but that becomes the new normal and after dealing with the anger of it, must be accepted for what it is because to be angry about it forever is not productive and keeps a person from enjoying today. So, sometimes after a hard day, I still jump when a leave blows across the car in front of me (literally), but those days are less often.

About 6 months ago, I purposely tested myself, by pulling out my binder of Christian music that had been buried in my closet for years, and intentionally listened to a CD by the Pastor's wife from my 1st church (where the bulk of the bad stuff happened), and was amazed to realize that it was just some lady singing.

Sometimes I get things out too, to listen to. I really enjoyed the Christian music. It was a blast from the past and I worshiped God. I was really angry with God for a long time and sometimes I can get angry with Him but mostly I am not. I am not really angry with anybody anymore. Those who did the things they did just felt they were doing the right thing (except the guy who stole money from the church and blamed us for it but he's one person). I don't really have many feelings about him at all either because he was a shadow in the whole situation. But the triggers I have have more of a hold on me than I want them to. For example, this week, my boss told me I had to call someone rather than email them for no reason other than she wanted to tell me what to do right after I told her that I am a better writer than talker. I get a long with my boss for the most part, but she can be controlling and micro-managing. This has irritated me ever since it happened and I am having a hard time letting it go. Anytime someone power trips over me, I want to tell them off. But, of course, that would not be okay in this situation. Nicely explaining that I prefer to email will not work because she WANTED to tell me what to do simply because she could. Some people are like that. They are not going to change and sometimes we just have to deal with it. But I think it bothers me more than it bothers other people sometimes.

I think that letting myself heal from all that, has really put me in a position where I feel free to continue my journey. But this time, I am free from fear and I don't have any preconceived notions. (actually if I'm being honest, I probably do have some preconceived notions about some of the stuff I learned in the past)

It is awesome to be free from fear. I don't have fear for my spiritual journey. I don't fear hell. I am not worried about not going to church. I even accept that for some people, the UPC is probably where they need to be and I don't have any resentment towards them. I even kind of envy that they actually belong somewhere because I don't belong to anything much anymore. That part has been very difficult. And not being able to use my musical talents and other talents has been incredibly difficult as well. But, it has been worth it to walk away. Those who say we left because we don't love God or can't hold to standards.....that sounds so ridiculous to me it is just laughable. I don't spend much energy on that at all.

[ILG]

Originally Posted by Dichotomy Girl

Something that hit me last night:

http://www.apostolicfriendsforum.com...5&postcount=74

Along the same lines, I was looking at some irises I transplanted. The ones that were not transplanted look nicer than the other ones that I did. At least this year. The transplanted ones will just have to look ratty. They have no choice. The benefit to their being transplanted is that they were being over-taken by another plant. So, they won't be over-taken. But the ones who are not transplanted sit there and feel superior because they look better.

[Dichotomy Girl]

Originally Posted by ILG

Along the same lines, I was looking at some irises I transplanted. The ones that were not transplanted look nicer than the other ones that I did. At least this year. The transplanted ones will just have to look ratty. They have no choice. The benefit to their being transplanted is that they were being over-taken by another plant. So, they won't be over-taken. But the ones who are not transplanted sit there and feel superior because they look better.

[n david]

I've heard it all now...church causes PTSD. I believe that as much as I believe Jodi Arias is a domestic violence survivor. *smh

[ILG]

Originally Posted by n david

I've heard it all now...church causes PTSD. I believe that as much as I believe Jodi Arias is a domestic violence survivor. *smh

My church experience definitely caused PTSD in my life. It is a simple statement of fact. Scoff if you want to.

[RandyWayne]

Originally Posted by n david

I've heard it all now...church causes PTSD. I believe that as much as I believe Jodi Arias is a domestic violence survivor. *smh

It did for me. That is if you count getting cold swears while standing during song service and hearing certain songs to be PTSD.

[Dichotomy Girl]

Originally Posted by n david

I've heard it all now...church causes PTSD. I believe that as much as I believe Jodi Arias is a domestic violence survivor. *smh

No one is saying that church causes PTSD as a blanket fact. But there are those who have had experiences in unhealthy and abusive churches that can lead to it.

There was a blogger I used to follow years ago, who was repeatedly raped through out her pre-teen and teen years by her Father. Who was extremely religious, and would recite the lord's prayer during the act.

There was another girl, who was repeatedly subjected to "exorcisms", where she was held down, and basically physically abused, because she questioned the teachings of the church and her parents.

There are people who have been manipulated and controlled, slandered and emotionally abused in unhealthy church situations. I DO NOT THINK THIS IS THE NORM. But neither can you deny that it happens. Churches are made up of people, and people sometimes do bad and evil things.

The things that happened to me, were frankly minor compared to the examples I listed. But they nevertheless had a real and lasting impact on my life for many many years.