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Re: Can A Person Not Posting On Aff Be Saved?
Three easy steps necessary for salvation.
1. No nose, ear, hair.- eyebrows no longer that 1/4 centimeter. --Must be verified by at least a pastor or Sunday School Superintendent using the international metric measurements system.
2. No yellow teeth allowed. Coffee and Tea drinkers, it is suggested you have immediate teeth whitening. Your shade of white is measured by standard dental charts and must be at least two shades whiter than the standard median tone.
3. Every event you plan to attend and every habit you have (including consumption of your favorite snacks--especially those high in sugar--) must be pre approved by the deacon board. Applications must be submitted at least two weeks prior to the event and must be signed by all parties and notarized by a legal authority. Any deviations to this policy will immediately suspend your rights as a Christian and doom your soul to hell. If you decide to repent--crawling in the front door of church while wearing burlap and ashes will not be accepted (unless accompanied by $1000 donation). Those seeking restoration must submit the standard repentance form approved by the deacon board, applications are considered on the first Sunday of each five Sunday month.
Any questions regarding our salvation policy please direct to the pastor the week following his annual vacation. (His vacation application is still pending with the board. There will be a meeting soon to address the possibility of a meeting to approve this action).
All other salvation requests should be directed to the General Secretary who will forward to the quarterly board meeting of the general council. Their decision is final and cannot be questioned.
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