[Mercy]

Hi.

I totally understand where you are coming from (not to be confused with I know how you feel...we are all different).

My 1st attempt to take my life was when I was 7. I have battled with depression and suicide for all of my life (I am now 33). I know what you mean about not knowing how to approach God knowing how "I" feel about "me".

Every Tuesday we have prayer at the church I attend now. I always pray for the people of the world that feel exactly how you described, for God to send them "someone" to speak words of encouragement into their lives. I guess its my turn. (smile)

It has been a tough, completely an uphill battle for me the last 2 years....learning how to live. I try and focus on how much God loves me...even though I most times don’t love myself. I get consumed with my failures....my lost dreams....my disappointments…my anger.

I once heard a sermon in which the speaker talked about Jesus standing at the end....knowing all this that we go through....and how he will show us (later) why it has to be this way. He knows it hurts...but he is showing me (us) something. It was hard to totally take in but I knew it was for me because I was strugglin' so hard with taking my life at that time (last summer). The same minister has a saying "Lord I give my life for lives"....he says it all the time but I only heard it in my heart a few weeks ago.

I was praying for all the people who hurt like me, feel lonely like me...to just find Him. When the minister said that saying again I heard it in my heart that time because it became "strength" in a very weird way to me to keep "trying" so that my life, my battles, my struggles, would one day save lives...even if just one life it made a difference to me that night.

And every time I am battling (which seems almost all the time) I repeat that...."Lord, here is my life for lives" to help just....breathe. Cuz sometimes it’s a chore just to do that.

Its hard to feel God's love when you dont feel like you deserve it. I know, I’ve spent most of my life in that place. Bounced in and out of church…as recently as the last 2 years. But my focus lately is just trying to believe that “this” will mean something (my life) to someone….it will matter.

He only needs us to believe…believe He hears us. Believe He has a plan. It can be so, so hard….you are not alone.

PM me if you want to…