[Kare]

I would first off like to say, thank you in advance for reading my post.

I was searching the web for some guidence and understanding about Christ and how he can forgive me for backsliding for so long. I have or thought to have been a christian for about 2 years, I was saved about 2 years ago "or atleast I think I was". I found a wonderful Baptist Church and was just starting in my walk with Christ. I suffer from PTSD and depression with suicidle thoughts and sometimes actions, my first was when i was 15, I over dosed on a bottle of pills, after that I did it again a few times during my late teens, with some help I seemed to be ok. I found christ or atleast I thought I did until I got back in a deep depression when I lost my job I stopped going to church and slowley my bible readings stopped, I then was admitted to a hospital for a few weeks for my suicidel thoughts again. This all has been within a year. Every since then I have been ashamed to go back to church even though I do want to, I just feel like everyone will feel the same about me as I feel about my self. Everyday of my life now I think of god but not for long becuase I feel he's not there to know I then proceed to do my daily activities, I guess what I'm trying to say and it's not coming out or I'm not wording in right with my run on sentences, is that I seem to only talk to god now when I'm crying in bed which is often and I ask for forgiveness and understanding about his word and to help me, but the thing is, I can't seem to forgive or even love myself to think that he can accept me, I guess I've always thought that but tried so hard to accept that he loves me and accepts me the way I am, I can't seem to agree with that. I need help, I need understanding and I need to know how I can have god help me to forgive and love myself so I can have him forgive and love me and it hurts me so deeply because I want it so much I want to be loved by him and I want to be happy, I want to really appreciate his sacrifice I want to be able to smile once in a while without crying in shame later that day because I'm ashamed of myself, I know this might not make sense to people, maybe I'm writing this to get it off my chest and it just makes sense to me. I need you lord I need you in my life and I need to feel your presence, I need your help to forgive and love myself lord please help me to be happy please help me to appreciate and really comprehend what you have done for me.