The Joke Thread
 

The trouble with having an open mind is that people keep coming along sticking things into it.

This really happened in Sunday School yesterday. We were having a lesson on having "A Clean Heart" The one teaching the object lesson had gone to the butcher shop and purchased a real calves' heart. She took it home and froze it. She brought it for the lesson and passed it around so they could get an idea of what a real cold heart felt like. One of the girls about 8 yrs old looked at it and felt it. Her eyes got real big and she said, "What did you have to do, kill somebody"? It was all the teacher could do not to laugh. We got a real good chuckle afterwards.

:heeheehee

Red Neck Fridge!
 

RED NECK FRIDGE!
http://i177.photobucket.com/albums/w...g?t=1171405155

Cooper you need to repent and clean off the lawn man!

What would you get if you crossed a dog with a valentine
card?
A card that says, "I love you drool-ly!"

What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"

What does a man who loves his car do on February 14?
He gives it a valenshine!

What did the man with the broken leg say to his nurse?
"I've got a crutch on you!"

Did you hear about the romance in the tropical fish tank?
It was a case of guppy love.

What do you call two birds in love?
Tweethearts!

What do you call a very small valentine?
A valentiny!

What did Frankenstein say to his girlfriend?
"Be my valenstein!"

What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
Hogs and kisses!

Why did the pig give his girlfriend a box of candy?
It was Valenswine's Day!

Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
Sure, they're very scent-imental!

What did the paper clip say to the magnet on Valentine's
Day?
"I find you very attractive."

What did the French chef give his wife for Valentine's Day?
A hug and a quiche!

What did one pickle say to the other?
"You mean a great dill to me."

Why do valentines have hearts on them?
Because kidneys would look pretty gross!

What did one light bulb say to the other?
"I love you a whole watt!"

What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
Ughs and kisses!

What did the bat say to his Valentine?
"You're fun to hang around with."

What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
"I'm sweet on you!"

Why should you send your sweetie a valentine?
Because you always heart the one you love!

What did the elephant say to his Valentine?
"I love you a ton!"

What would you get it you crossed a blonde with the God of
love?
A stupid cupid!

Why did the cannibal break up with his Valentine?
She didn't suit his taste!

Jesus said, "Whom do men say that I am?"

And his disciples answered and said, "Some say you are John the Baptist returned from the dead; others say Elias, or other of the old prophets."

And Jesus answered and said, "But whom do you say that I am?"

Peter answered and said, "Thou art the Logos, existing in the Father as His rationality and then, by an act of His will, being generated, in consideration of the various functions by which God is related to his creation, but only on the fact that Scripture speaks of a Father, and a Son, and a Holy Spirit, each member of the Trinity being coequal with every other member, and each acting inseparably with and interpenetrating every other member, with only an economic subordination within God, but causing no division which would make the substance no longer simple."

And Jesus answering, said, "What?"

A mother's four-year-old daughter was attending her first
performance of the Ice Capades. She was so mesmerized that
she wouldn't budge from her seat even during intermission,
watching the activity while the ice was cleaned.

At the end of the show, she exclaimed, "I know what I want
to be when I grow up!"

The mother envisioned her on the ice in another 15 years,
starring in the Ice Capades.

She was brought back to earth when the daughter continued,
"I want to be a Zamboni driver!"

... A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City."
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxidriver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."

The taxi driver goes into Heaven with his robe and staff, and it's the minister's turn. He stands erect and booms out, "I am Joseph Snow, pastor of
Saint Mary's for the last forty-three years."
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the minister, "Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Just a minute," says the minister. "That man was a taxi driver and he gets a silken robe and golden staff. How can this be?"
"Up here, we work by results," says Saint Peter. "While you preached, people slept; while he drove, people prayed."

A Somali arrives
in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the
United
States.

He stops the first person he
sees walking down the street and says.....

Thank you Mr. American for
letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, FREE medical care
and free education!"

The passer-by says....

"You are
mistaken, I am Mexican"

The man goes on and encounters another
passer-by.

"Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in
America!"

The person says....
"I no American, I Vietnamese

The new arrival walks further, and the next
person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says..... Thank you for the
wonderful America!"

That person puts up
his hand and says "I am from Middle East, I am
Not an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an
American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

Puzzled he asks
her......

"Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks
her watch and says....

"Probably at work!"

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam
after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor
picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the
board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove
that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious
fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour
attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of
the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the student who finished
in one minute got an A.

The rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when
he had barely written anything at all.

This is what he wrote:

"What chair?"

:groan I really like this kind of joke!

The early bird gets the worm...
But the second mouse gets the cheese!

This is what watching too much TV will do to you.....

Mummified body found in front of blaring TV
NEW YORK (Reuters) - Police called to a Long Island man's house discovered the mummified remains of the resident, dead for more than a year, sitting in front of a blaring television set.
The 70-year-old Hampton Bays, New York, resident, identified as Vincenzo Ricardo, appeared to have died of natural causes. Police said Saturday his body was discovered Thursday when they were called to the house over a burst water pipe.
"You could see his face. He still had hair on his head," Newsday quoted morgue assistant Jeff Bacchus as saying. The home's low humidity had preserved the body.
Officials could not explain why the electricity had not been turned off, considering Ricardo had not been heard from since December 2005.
Neighbors said when they had not seen Ricardo, who was diabetic and had been blind for years, they assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility.

oh! that is too weird!

A six-year-old boy told his father he wanted to marry the little girl across the street. The father, being modern and well-schooled in handling children, hid his smile behind his hand.



"That's a serious step," he said. "Have you thought it out completely?"

"Yes," his young son answered. "We can spend one week in my room and the next in hers. It's right across the street, so I can run home if I get scared of the dark."

"How about transportation?" the father asked.

"I have my wagon, and we both have our tricycles," the little boy answered.



The boy had an answer to every question the father raised.

Finally, in exasperation, his dad asked, "What about babies? When you're married, you're liable to have babies, you know."

"We've thought about that, too," the little boy replied.



"We're not going to have babies. Every time she lays an egg, I'm going to step on it!"

Abracadabbler: an amateur magician.

Badaptation: a bad movie version of a good book.

Carbage: the trash found in your automobile.

Dadicated: being the best father you can be.

Ecrastinate: checking your e-mail just one more time.

Faddict: someone who has to try every new trend that comes
along.

Gabberflasted: the state of being speechless due to someone
else talking too much.

Hackchoo: when you sneeze and cough at the same time.

Iceburg: an uppity, snobbish neighborhood.

Jobsolete: a position within a company that no longer
exists.

Knewlyweds: second marriage for both.

Lamplify: turning on (or up) the lights within a room.

Mandals: sandals for men.

Nagivator: someone who constantly assists with driving
directions in an overly critical manner.

Obliment: an obligatory compliment.

Pestariffic: adjective describing a particularly pesty
person.

Qcumbersome: a salad that contains too many cucumbers.

Ramdumbtious: a rowdy, energetic person who's not too
bright.

Sanktuary: a graveyard for ships.

Testimoney: fees paid to expert witnesses.

Unbrella: an umbrella that the wind has turned inside-out.

Vehiculized: you own a vehicle.

Wackajacky: very messed up.

Xerocks: two identical pieces of stone.

Yawnese: the language of someone trying to speak while
yawning.

Zingle: a single person with a lot of pep in his or her
step.

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married Ruth?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany ?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh's daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David's Triumph
was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in
Eden ?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn't they play cards on the Ark ?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. ( Groan ..)

PS. Did you know it's a sin for a woman to make coffee?
Yup, it's in the Bible. It says . . . "He-brews"

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The
teacher asked, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answered, "We found a ten-dollar bill and decided to
give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher.
"When I was your age, I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life." The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class As she ran she prayed, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again. As she ran she once again began to pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late... But please don't shove me either!"
~~~~~~~~ ~~~~

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50. The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100." The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He answered, "Call for backup."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?" Without missing a beat
one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday school they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying dow n as though he were ill, and she said, "Johnny, what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife."
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?" The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your Dad.

Why You Never Question A Drunk .
 

I have to leave now to head out of state.

I will leave you with this.

WHY YOU NEVER QUESTION A DRUNK .

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected

A half-gallon of 2% milk,
A carton of eggs,
A quart of orange juice,
A head of romaine lettuce,
A 2 lb. bag of coffee,
And 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk
standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You
must be single."


The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by
the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her
six
items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections
that
could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said: "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?"


The drunk replied, "'Cause you're ugly."

:killinme :killinme :killinme :killinme :killinme

Make Sure the Other Person Understands What You Are Saying

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him

what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address,

medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he

had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a

complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba

said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure

test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes

and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in

the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor

asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em

:killinme

Triple E's LOL Zone
 

They say just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down,so this thread will be for the lighter side of AFF.When you get tired of all the Newsflashes and Bashing (one way or the other) come here read a joke from TE's collection or add one yourself.They say "laughter is the one of the best medicine's"

Here is today's laugh:

One woman related that at a family gathering, some of the husbands began teasing their wives about how the women always seemed to get their way in their marriages.
Responding to the teasing, one woman said: "Honey, when I get my way, that’s a compromise."
Smiling he asked: "What is it when I get my way?"
She smiled back and replied, "That’s called a miracle!"

Here's one we all can relate to:
A 4-year-old boy was traveling with his mother & constantly asking the same question over & over again? "When are we going to get there? When are we going to get there?" Finally, the mother got so irritated that she said, "We still have 90 more miles to go. So don’t ask me again when we’re going to get there." Well, the boy was silent for a long time. Then he timidly asked, "Mom, will I still be four when we get there?"

Glenelg, Maryland, is such a small community, I was
surprised that they had a community paper. I asked one
old-timer about it.

He replied, "We all know what everybody else is doing, but
we like to read the paper anyway to see who's been caught at
it."

Story told to me

As a retired person, I often have little to do. SOO, the other day I was downtown in the one of the stores. When I walked out, a policeman was standing there writing a ticket. I walked up to him and Said "Ah come on man give a retired guy a break". He just ignored me an kept writing. SO, I called him a "Nazi!!". He proceeded to writed a second ticket. I called him "Gastapo!!!" . He finished the second and started to write a third for bald tires. "Jerk" I called him. He proceeded to write a fourth for a broken windshield. Now I go to town on the bus. This guy was writing tickets to a car that had a bumper sticker that said "Hillary in 08". I love being a republican!@! :)

Pentecostal Cowboy
 

A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona, the other is in Colorado.
When we all left our home in Texas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs.

All the regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs."Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "it's just that my wife and I joined the Pentecostal Church and I had to quit drinking."

"Hasn't affected my brothers though."

Here's some food for thought!
If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this! If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it. If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

Why Go To Church?

A Church goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to church every Sunday. "I've gone for 30 years now," he wrote, "and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 sermons. But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the pastors are wasting theirs by giving sermons at all."

This started a real controversy in the "Letters to the Editor" column, much to the delight of the editor. It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher:

"I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals. But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals. But I do know this.. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today. Likewise, if I had not gone to church for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!" When you are DOWN to nothing.... God is UP to something! Faith sees the invisible, believes the incredible and receives the impossible! Thank God for our physical AND our spiritual nourishment!

Only in America....

do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front

Only in America......

do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

Only in America .

do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

Only in America .

do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.

Only in America......

do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight

Only in America......

do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.

Only in America .

do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

EVER WONDER ....

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin ?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?


Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?


Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?


You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!


Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?


Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?


If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?


If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?